Friday, January 29, 2010

One Giant Leap For Daddy-kind

So I don't know if you've seen this, but someone clearly thinks they're all cool and original by knowing the sex of their unborn baby without their wife knowing. Somebody wants to project that tough-guy SnarkyDaddy image I guess:

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20323876,00.html

Well Mr.Tom Brady all I can say to you is nice try, but really it's too little, too late. Unfortunately you will forever be the Buzz Aldrin to my Neil Armstrong.

Not only did I already pioneer such an idea several months ago, I also took it to an entire new level by being the first person ever to tell the entire world the sex of the child before my wife knew.

Now Mr. Brady, let me just throw out some names and tell me what first comes to mind:

Martin Luther King
Ghandi
Abe Lincoln
SnarkyDaddy

I know what you're thinking - revolutionaries whose bold actions changed history.

Well, you're probably thinking that about SnarkyDaddy with that group because I've broken through barriers Daddy's before me never thought were possible. In fact Tom Brady, let's face it, the fact that Gisselle let you find out is likely due to my trailblazing.

So when your kids go to school and read about me in their history books, you Tom Bradywon't be remembered for anything notable... at least that I can think of.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Back from the dead

So you've probably been wondering just where I've been since Maeve was born. Well, I have to be honest, the pregnancy was rough. There were back pains, sleepless nights, having to pee in the middle of the night, heartburn, clothes not fitting... and that's just what I was dealing with... I also had to hear SnarkyMommy whine about all her issues. I was like "Please woman, I've got enough going on over here."

Then there was the actual delivery. Let me tell you folks, there was no epidural numbing that experience for me. They didn't even serve beer in the hospital cafeteria where SnarkyMommy delivered (I know, what kind of crappy hospital doesn't serve beer?!?!?).

No, I had to go through the entire experience stone sober. I kind of reminded myself of Rambo in First Blood when he had to perform emergency surgery on himself to remove a bullet from his abdomen with no pain killers.

So I did what any stand-up father would do after enduring a similar experience... I went to Vegas for a month. I just really had to unwind and relax. Plus, I am pretty sure that SnarkyMommy definitely needed some alone time with the three kids. Who was I to get in between the bond shared between a Mom and her new baby?

So I get to Vegas and I end up blowing all my money in the first two days because rather than pay attention to the blackjack hands I was playing, I was too busy trying to pull a Tiger Woods and pick up cocktail waitresses. I should have held off for the waitresses at Perkins - Tiger says that place is money every time.

So I didn't want my trip to end after two days, but I obviously needed some cash. So I did what any upstanding decent family man who wanted to foster mother-child bonding for more that just two days would do, I became the first male prostitute at the Bunny Ranch to extend my stay in Vegas. Tiger would have been proud. Things were good, the cash was rolling in, but I ended up getting fired because I would only take female clients.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Everything you ever wanted to know about sex

As I mentioned a few posts ago, I know the sex of the baby, but SnarkyMommy does not. Clearly, it would ruin her life if I started telling people. So you might think that would be enough to stop me. But my relationship with SnarkyMommy pales in comparison to my relationship with you, my faithful readers. My readers and I, we're practically best friends. When I blog it's like we're in the same room together having this deep connection that only we could have... and you know... it's like we're having this engrossing philosophical discussion about God, bitches, and shit.

As you know by now, I suffer from a serious case of Prepartum Depression. So all I asked for from my dear readers was a little support for the SnarkyDaddy Foundation to fight Prepartum Depression. And there has been an absolute amazing outpouring of sympathy for me and my foundation. I get a little teary eyed when I talk about it. I received an unprecedented $5 in donations to my fund. That $5 went a long way towards buying SnarkyDaddy a six pack of Miller High Life. Beer is such an integral part in the global fight against Prepartum Depression and it didn't disappoint in my personal battle with the disease.

So it is with that outpouring of support for my cause, that I bring to you this first ever in the history of the internet post. That's right, in this post - maybe in the next paragraph, or the next sentence even... oh, the suspense is killing me - I will be revealing the sex of the baby to the entire internet before the mother of the baby, you may know her as SnarkyMommy, knows herself. It's never been done. History folks, right here. Just think, you can tell your grandkids where you were when you witnessed this historic moment.

In case you are wondering how I know what the sex is while SnarkyMommy does not it is because I am basically an Ultrasound Technician and SnarkyMommy, who made it clear she didn't want anyone knowing the sex of the baby until it's born, made the mistake of bringing me along to the 20 week ultrasound. In case you're wondering how I'm an Ultrasound Technician, it's because I spent a good 20 minutes on the internets studying up on reading ultrasounds to determine the sex of a baby. SnarkyMommy clearly didn't know who she was dealing with when she insisted I go along for the ultrasound. Now the world will know what she does not... which is on that day I saw the Hamburger Sign.

So now all my fellow Ultrasound Technicians know what we're having. So the rest of you would probably like me to decode that for you... but it was $5 you gave to the foundation... which was thoughtful... but it's not like you cured me or anything. Enough money for a cure and I would have shouted the sex in the streets. Five bucks gets you "Hamburger Sign".

So if you want more you will need to hit up your local Google or Bing and type in a couple of words that are rarely searched for together at the same time - hamburger and sex.

Now me personally, there was a rough period in my life where I had to sell my body in return for hamburgers, so sadly I have been there many times before.